How Could You?
This is one of a series social media posts that I wrote in 2021 during the height of my Faith Transition. Because I was publicly deconstructing in front of an entirely faithful network of friends and followers, I received a lot reactions, questions, and backlash from people I loved regarding my journey. Many of them were dismissive or hostile towards me because they had been trained to me as a “defector.”
Since an overly long response in a comment or personal message would have been seen as aggressive, I took quotes from these reactions to write these public posts in response. I never attributed the person who asked the question since I didn’t want anyone to feel specifically blamed or called out for having the response. The questions are also not unique. They are part of the scripted response we were taught to have as members of the “in-group.” Still, each post begins with a quotation because it is a question I personally received during my Transition.
Q: “How could you turn your back on all your ancestors/parents/leaders/ Professors/Bishops/Visiting Teachers/friends like this?”
🎤 Conference weekend came and went and with it came a fresh harvest of name-calling for those in crisis. I think it was Neil Anderson’s talk that provided the heaviest estrangement but there were many other smaller references to be wary of people who leave and speak about it.
👉That would include me, in case you missed it.
👤The narrative of former members as Judases is as old as the Church (think of Thomas Marsh and Oliver Cowdery and William Law) and its purpose has always been to alienate and dehumanize disaffecting members from their believing peers.
🗡Sometimes, it has also been used to instigate or justify physical brutality and violence towards those who “waver.”
🕳As our culture has stepped away from institutional physical violence, it’s morphed into a more politically correct form of aggression: social rejection.
😓To be fair, Ex- and Post-mormons are not always the easiest people to get along with. They carry a lot of pain and much of that goes unaddressed and unresolved for years. They are grieving years–sometimes decades–of their life that feel wasted or lost. Typically, they feel monumentally duped and often struggle with self-doubt, depression, and anxiety. They are often reactive and sarcastic and cynical in ways their believing loved ones find offensive. Sometimes, they have lost a marriage or other key relationships that have left horrible chasms of sorrow in their life.
😕But, here’s the catch: much of the cynicism and bitterness that members hear from Post- or struggling mormons is because their journey is immediately labeled as traitorous by their believing circles.
👕People they trusted drop out of their life.
👚Friends they were close to don’t call to hang out, anymore.
👔Bishops and leaders show up completely under-prepared to talk to them about anything substantial regarding the Church’s duplicity.
🩳Fellow ward members or neighbors they saw weekly or daily, suddenly avoid them in the grocery store.
👓Their close contacts no longer trust their opinion about anything (even things that have nothing to do with religion).
👗Their friends and family start gossiping behind their backs about their tank tops, failures as a parent, or beverage choices.
🍂They feel utterly let down and betrayed by the institution they trusted their life to and then abandoned by the people they were closest to.
🥀Is it any wonder there is anger and bitterness there? 🥀
⚖️ Members, if you feel that your Postmormon loved one has become a Judas, consider this:
they probably feel that same way about the Church.
😔 Depending on the circumstance and degree of your reaction, they might feel that way towards you, too.
🗺For someone who wants to build bridges (that would be me, in case you missed it), it’s important to flip the scripts regularly, to keep reviving human-ness on all sides of this problem.
Sanctimonious name-calling isn’t going to do the job.
☀️And from my the truest corner of my inner-Sunbeam’s heart, I also believe that this practice of bridge-building is the best thing we can do to practice the Christian art of meeting people where they are and forgiving those who “know not what they do.”
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